On that note I am beginning again with this blog, one I started a few years ago as I turned that magical number thirty.
When people turn thirty many of them hit the "What have I done with my life," phase. I however chose to hit PLAY. Up until then I had been struggling with severe depression and had no time to really focus on my actual "adulthood." For me turning thirty was about making changes and growing up. So I did the most grown-up thing I could think of. I left home for a bigger city, and moved into my aunts basement. OK it wasn't ideal, but with no job I needed a soft place to land while I tiptoed into adulthood. And moving to DC hasn't allowed for too many baby steps, but since then I have worked as an EA/Office Manager for two small business, government contractors, and learned a lot about business and life well a working life. I also moved out of the basement and on my own for the first time ever- no roommates. I pay rent, a car payment and other bills and I am doing alright...most of the time.
Yes, I have had moments of struggle and even "relapse," but I have always pulled the through stronger than ever.
However, I'm now thirty four and starting to question "what I am doing with my life?" The inevitable question we all begin to ask I suppose.
Maybe this is just something that we all do. Yes there are the lucky few that have it all figured out, but I am not one of them. I don't think I ever was. Even growing up, I wanted to be a lawyer, a teacher, a doctor, a movie star, a singer, a musician, an artist, loved...understood, but I didn't even love or understand myself. Let alone know what the hell I wanted to do with "forever." But I always had a direction, even if the direction changed. I always felt like I was going the right way.
Now... I am a little lost. Lost in a career, I don't know where it's going. Lost socially. I have a hard time getting out there and meeting people, even though I am extremely social. And lost in love. The people I have met are... Questionable. And with questionable people come questioning myself. So all of that together in a new-ish city, somewhat alone, and not a child anymore... at times I've never felt more like that little kid who lost her mother in the store. I'm just looking for "home," but at the same time I am home. I think.
I'm just beginning again. Every day.
Today, with this blog. What will it be? Where will it go? I don't know yet. All I know is I need to find a direction once again, maybe this will be one path.
Now... I am a little lost. Lost in a career, I don't know where it's going. Lost socially. I have a hard time getting out there and meeting people, even though I am extremely social. And lost in love. The people I have met are... Questionable. And with questionable people come questioning myself. So all of that together in a new-ish city, somewhat alone, and not a child anymore... at times I've never felt more like that little kid who lost her mother in the store. I'm just looking for "home," but at the same time I am home. I think.
I'm just beginning again. Every day.
Today, with this blog. What will it be? Where will it go? I don't know yet. All I know is I need to find a direction once again, maybe this will be one path.
